Grief

A cloud of anger and sadness hangs over my head. It wants to release all of its fury onto me. It wants to rain every emotion of loss onto my skin. It wants to break my carefully crafted exterior or happiness acting like an imposter. If a single raindrop touches my skin, I fall. I fall to the debs of my darkest emotions. One drop has the power of breaking the barrier I built to help my grieving family. The barrier I built to keep their spirits up. The barrier that covers my tears in hopes I don’t see theirs. One raindrop will tear my world apart. It will seep into my body and leave me unable to do anything. It will leave me lying hopeless and scared on my bed as huge shadow monsters attack me trying to bring out my anxiety. The anxiety that locks me in my house as I am petrified that someone or something could kill or hurt me. It is somewhat Ironic that while I think of someone who died I am afraid to die, yet the emotion that leaves me wants me to lose touch with the world. It wants me to not care about the material world and just let things be. To not touch the world I live in probably in fear that I will hurt someone else. Maybe I blame myself for this death. What if I did something differently? I don’t see how this could be, yet any deepest inner thoughts in my heart come up with this question. I want to cry, I want to feel. It seems that I am a robot doing everything I need to do in order to mend the broken ice my family stands on. I go to school, I eat, I shower, and I sleep. I laugh to show I am fine - if the “f” stood for fake. The “I” stood for incapable of feeling. The “n” stood for nothing showing and the “e” stood for emotions that I am not allowing myself to feel. I try to help my sisters by saying everything is going to be okay, but I am truly just trying to convince myself of this so-called truth. It feels like things are happening around me but not in me. I feel dazed as the environment I am in doesn’t feel real. It feels like it could be taken away from me any moment and I’m not fighting for it. It feels like I can’t fight for my world. It feels like I have no power to control anything around me and I am just something standing in the way of my world. Nothing could have prepared me for this moment in my life. This moment is identified as Grief.